“Love, love will tear us apart again...”
Right, let’s just be honest from the offset here… No-one, and I mean literally NO-ONE wants to be ‘that girl.’ You know, ‘that girl’ who gets divorced at 30. But, someone has to take the title, and ‘that girl’ is me.
Divorced at 30. What a milestone.
I was watching Mamma Mia the other day, and now I’m terrified that I’m going to turn into Tanya, who is simply described on a fan page as being a ‘three-time divorcee.’
Sooo… My relationship in a nutshell…
We met through mutual work colleagues back in 2016, when I was 22 and he was 24, and were each other’s first relationship.
My 22nd year was one of the best of my life; I’d spent the previous 12 months combatting anorexia, living abroad, and travelling around Europe on my own. As cringe as it sounds, I’d really ‘found myself,’ and was the happiest and most confident I’d ever been.
I wasn’t particularly looking to meet anyone, and had plans to go back abroad the next summer… But then he came into my life.
I’m as cynical as they come, but for me, it really was ‘love at first sight.’ I adored everything about him.
There were a few hiccups at the very beginning, but I’d later discover that they genuinely couldn’t have been be helped, and we soon found our way back to one another, our bond stronger than ever.
Our first few years were a blur of endless adventures, so much laughter, and combining and living out our travel bucket lists.
Some of the purest memories of my relationship include us lying in bed after turning the light off, just chatting absolute shite and laughing into the small hours about the most random crap (“Would you rather be a stick of celery or a rump of steak?”).
I’m extremely fortunate that the honeymoon period actually lasted for four incredible years.
Of course, like all couples, we had our share of arguments, but it was never anything major. He was on my team, and I was on his, and that was something I’d never experienced before. Prior to meeting him, it had always just been me, on my own team. He made an independent, stubborn, introverted, only child realise that joy can be found in sharing moments with others.
I’m not writing this to blast my ex in any way, and I won’t be giving any specifics of why the relationship ended, because we both have our own take on things, and at the end of the day, it’s all futile.
I think I initially started to pull back from the relationship in the August before we got married. Naturally, as time wears on, couples can become complacent of one another, and of the relationship itself, and I didn’t like this.
If I’m honest, I also couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing myself in the relationship.
I still craved adventure, while he wanted to settle down and start a family. At a time when our goals should have aligned, I felt that our priorities were becoming distant.
Still, we persevered with the wedding, although that period of time in general was highly stressful for both of us: he’d been made redundant, and I’d relapsed in my anorexia.
After the wedding, we finalised our deposit to buy a house and started our search… And right on cue, along came Covid. Buying a house during a global pandemic is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy.
Sadly, the demands of life got the better of us, and we split up in September 2020 – a month after moving into our house. It didn’t really hit me as hard as it perhaps should have, but I think mentally, I’d checked out a long time ago.
Much to the confusion of everyone around us, we continued living together, while I worked on rediscovering the happy, confident version of myself that had somehow been lost along the way. I went on numerous solo holidays, ran several marathons abroad, and got into competitive running.
Behind the scenes of this strange scenario, something else was blossoming between us: friendship.
We actually got to know each other again, as friends, and this was one of the best things that could have happened. I fell in love with him all over again, all the while loving myself at the same time, too.
In December 2022, we got back together. I finally felt like myself again, and I’d had time to think about what I did and didn’t want. And I did want him.
What I didn’t realise is how much I’d changed as a person while we’d been separated. I’d got my confidence back in abundance, and had been hydrated with a new-found zest for life.
Starting a family was now the very last thing I wanted. No, I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of giving up the life I’d discovered.
Outside of seeing colleagues, family, friends and my running mates, I recuperate by spending time alone, doing things like running and writing. It’s how I stay sane, and is imperative in me retaining my own sense of self, which I lost the first time around in our relationship.
So when we got back together, I continued with my solo travels, and spent most weekends at running competitions. I was blissfully happy… But he wasn’t, and looking back, I can understand why.
He can’t abide being on his own, so while I was off galivanting in Iceland, spending my weekends running up Peaks, and whiling away the evenings writing books about sprites and forest folk, he was sat on his own, struggling.
While I was falling back in love with him, he was falling out of love with me. We were now completely different people, with totally different life goals.
I wanted adventure, he wanted a family. As I’ve said on many occasions, I’d rather have the plague than have children, whereas he wants to be a Dad more than anything.
He admitted that he’d prefer a partner who relies on him… and that’s never going to be me.
The truth is, he needs a partner to feel validated and happy, which is absolutely fine, and is probably normal for a lot of people. But not me. I’ve always been very good at validating myself. From holidays and concerts, to meals out and watching football in a bar, I can just get up and go out and do anything I like on my own. I don’t need to rely on anybody else for happiness, or to do the things I want to do.
BTW, I’m in no way saying that my way is right and his is wrong or vice versa… But at the end of the day, we are different, and that was becoming more apparent.
I do feel bad that I didn’t spend as much time with my ex as he would have liked…. But do I regret it? No. I did what was right for me at the time. PLUS, my ex seems to forget that between September 2020 and December 2022, we weren’t together anyway, so I was really under no obligation to spend time with him. 🥴
I’ll admit that between us getting back together in December 2022 and splitting up for good in October 2023, I should have spent more time with him, but I sadly can’t change the past, and in all honesty, during our last 6 months together, he wasn’t very nice to be around due to various reasons.
My ex is the sort of person who will happily lie in bed until midday, and I can’t think of anything worse. I like to be up early, even at weekends, ready to attack a half marathon, or get the house all sparkly clean. I can’t abide lazing round. I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that he’s quite a lazy person, which is the complete opposite of me.
I have to state here that I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong… I’m just drawing attention to our differences and giving reasons as to why we would never have worked in the long run.
In the lead up to us separating for good, several things happened that upset me immensely, but as I said, I’m not going to talk bad about my ex. I’m FAR from perfect, and I know that I also did many things that upset him, too.
The thing that hurt the most was how things ended.
It wasn’t the loss of the relationship I mourned; it was the friendship.
Our friendship was something we’d always managed to maintain, even during our first split.
Now, eight years of memories have disintegrated into nothing but embers, and it feels so… Final. We’re strangers, yet again.
You never expect to end up disliking the person you once loved more than anything in the world, and that fact burns more than any of the anger, bitterness, and anguish.
Given how okay I was when we first split up, I never expected the devastation that ensued our final split in October last year.
Seriously, if I spent one more evening of 2023/24 weeping to Taylor Swift, I really was ready to declare myself clinically insane.
I don’t know how I would have got by without my Mum, my friends, my work family, running, and writing.
And so here it is, something I’ve been working on throughout my heartbreak: my little guide to lessons in love, from ‘that girl’ who got divorced at 30.
1. If you’re forever chasing the honeymoon period, you’ll never be happy.
You’ll rarely feel as high on life and love as you do during the first few months of a new relationship. There’s so much passion, so much energy; you’re literally drunk on each other.
You’re both on your best behaviour, beaming out the shiniest, most polished version of you. Things like leaving the toilet seat up and burping simply don’t exist during those inaugural months.
And then suddenly, one day, everything changes. Burps come spilling out. You have your first argument. Your partner’s habit of rambling about Greg’s sausage rolls in their sleep becomes less endearing, and more infuriating. That feverish passion you thought would never lose its intensity, starts to slow down.
The bubble bursts, and a certain sense of normality resumes. Because imperfections are normal.
Life isn’t an Instagram reel of eternal date nights and oversized bouquets, and love isn’t a merry-go-round of everlasting storybook bliss. If it stands the test of time beyond the honeymoon period, love is messy, scary, angry… And sometimes, it f*****g hurts.
But there’s beauty in this. There’s beauty in allowing someone to see all of you, beyond your mask of perfection. There’s beauty in trusting someone enough to witness your vulnerabilities. There’s beauty in having someone by your side through all of life’s ups and downs: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Many couples fade away after the honeymoon period fizzles out, whereas some muddle along but always silently crave that period of time they’ll never get back. Don’t fear the end of the honeymoon period – embrace it.
2. Remember the truth.
I don’t know what it is, but when you split up with someone, your brain almost goes on a vacay and abandons all rationale. It’s seemingly unable to process all of the logic that led to the decision, and instead pollutes your mind with images of some of the happiest times of your relationship – times you’ve not even given a second thought to for years.
Despite the fact that me and my ex had split up previously and despite the fact that I’d admittedly felt unfulfilled within the relationship for a long time, all I could think about was the early days. For some unbeknown reason, my mind kept replaying a random, happy weekend we’d had in Edinburgh six years ago.
My brain blocked out all of the dissatisfaction from the last few years, and instead presented me with this warped version of our relationship, almost convincing me that we’d been incandescently happy ALL of the time, and that splitting up was a BIG mistake.
Don’t get me wrong – my ex and I had many great times together, but like any relationship, there were also countless shit storms, and towards the end, these storms just kept getting bigger, until there was no point battling against them anymore.
Was splitting up the right thing to do? Yes, absolutely.
Admitting that doesn’t make the situation any easier, obviously, but it does help to remember this fact when you’re being blinded by the highs.
Take off your rose-tinted glasses, and look back the relationship for what it really was, in all of its messy glory. Remember the events that led to your demise.
3. There are two sides to every story – and you should listen to the other.
I was so hurt at the way my relationship ended, and spent weeks bouncing between being absolutely furious and inconsolably low.
Of course, chewed up by the rawness of the initial pain, I was only able to think about my side of the story, and how I’d been wronged.
My ex and I managed to have a few lengthy conversations about how we’d made each other feel, which was brutal, but at the same time, very enlightening.
Being an only child, I’ve never had to think about anybody but myself. I’m fiercely independent, and my default setting is enjoying the freedom of being able to do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it, exactly HOW I want to do it. Until my ex pointed it out, I’d never actually considered that this may come across as selfish and controlling at times.
If your relationship ends on semi-amicable terms, it’s definitely worth having a frank chat about what went wrong.
You might not agree with everything your partner says – I certainly didn’t, and I still don’t – but you may just benefit from reflecting on some of their points.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
My God, seriously, I cannot even begin to stress how important this is.
Again, I’m not bashing my ex here, but I’m sure he’ll be the first to agree that communication is not his strong point.
If you’re not happy with something your partner says or does, then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL THEM! Don’t bottle it up until it’s too late – TELL THEM, so they can bloody try and work on it.
They say hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can vouch for this. Looking back, I wish my ex and I had put one night a week aside to sit down together and have a frank discussion about anything that was even slightly bothering us.
A lack of communication leads to a whole lot of resentment, and let me tell you now that resentment can kill a relationship quicker than you realise.
5. You can’t help somebody who refuses to help themselves.
This one is as heartbreaking as it is frustrating.
Again, I’m not going into any details, but I literally watched my ex self-destruct for years, and nothing I said or did could pull him out of his mindset.
If your partner’s state of mind is beginning to affect your own, then you should seriously reevaluate the situation. Please, please, please don’t allow your own mental health to suffer while you’re trying to soothe someone else’s.
Of course, we all repeat that we’ll love our partners “in sickness and in health,” but sometimes, the demon between you is just too dark. Also, your partner must take accountability for their own ‘sickness’ – if they refuse to help themselves, then it’s not down to you to bend over backwards and take on the role of their carer.
You MUST look after yourself, or else you’ll reflect on the wasted years with bitterness and regret. Sometimes, as hard as it is, the best thing to do is end the relationship before these feelings take hold.
One of my ex’s gripes was that I thought I was better than him… This isn’t true, although what I will say is that it’s very hard not to lose patience with someone who refuses to better themselves or take steps towards improving their own quality of life.
I’ve struggled with mental health myself, having battled anorexia for 10 years, so I’m not suggesting that facing up to your demons is in any way easy… but we ALL owe it ourselves to try, and to adopt methods we KNOW will help us, such as taking medication, or avoiding triggers.
With my ex, there always seemed to be an obstacle. It was always ‘I’ll be happy once we’re married,’ or ‘I’ll be happy once we have our own house,’ and funnily enough, these events always came and went, but his negative mindset remained. It sometimes felt like nothing was ever good enough, and nothing ever would be.
My ex recently told me that I was so far removed from the person he met, and I thought, I wonder why?
I’m a naturally happy, upbeat, positive person, but living with someone who is so intent on self-destructing has been draining at times.
The past 10 months have been horrendous for both of us, while we’ve navigated our separation and transferring the house into my name.
I’m getting divorced, and at one point was at risk of losing my home. I think sadness and anger are perfectly natural reactions in this situation. And yeah, on more than one occasion, I did lose my shit.
My ex told me that he wasn’t going to be ‘brought down to my level’ which I thought was an unfair comment. As much as I loved my ex, being in a relationship with him and soaking up his negativity over the years did eventually bring ME down to HIS level, and I didn’t like the person I became when I was around him.
Someone wise once told me that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”, and this is something that has always stayed with me.
The truth is, I think we grew apart when I grew as a person, following our first split.
He remained static, which is fine - I loved him for who he was… but I wasn’t prepared to water myself down to a previous version of myself. He might have preferred the past me, but I didn’t. My confidence had grown, I’d discovered new hobbies, set new goals, and I was blissfully happy.
If it was a choice between losing him or losing myself again, then there was only ever going to be one outcome.
I never thought I was better than my ex - just different.
**Again, I must stress here that I’m in absolutely no way saying that my way of life is right and his is wrong; I’m simply shedding light on some of the differences that eventually drew a wedge between us. And also, let me just say again that I am far from perfect myself - the above is simply just my take on this particular area of our relationship. I’m well aware of my own faults and the contributions I made to the failing of our marriage.
6. You don’t have to meet someone new to get over someone.
I mean, how is this expression even still a thing, seriously? I literally despite this mantra.
Don’t get me wrong – if that’s what you wanna’ do, then you do you, but just make sure that you are doing it for you, and not to prove a point.
My confidence had been knocked so badly towards the end of my relationship that naturally, I wanted to get straight back on the scene and seek the reassurance that there was nothing wrong with me.
My ex was my first and only relationship, so I didn’t know anything other than him.
It wasn’t even that I wanted another relationship – I just wanted the validation that I wasn’t broken.
I rushed into meeting someone new long before I was over my ex, and as a result, I ended up upsetting not only myself, but this poor new guy, too. I got my confidence boost, but at a cost. He confessed to liking me, and I freaked out and legged it (after trying to divert the conversation by embarking on a 15 minute rant about Transport for Wales…).
Not cool.
So no, despite what 90’s chick flicks and your well-meaning mates tell you, you absolutely shouldn’t hurry yourself into anything you’re not ready for. Remember, when you get involved with someone, there are two of you in the situation, and it’s not fair to lead someone on for the sake of your own ego.
Have a little flick through Tinder if you really must, but try to refrain from physically going out and meeting up with someone until you’re absolutely healed.
Take this time out for yourself. The rest will follow naturally.
I think often, when people break up, there’s this mad rush to rebound, purely because neither partner wants to be the one who feels as though they’re being ‘left behind.’
Some people jump from one long term relationship to another in a matter of weeks, whereas others take years to get back on the scene.
My Mum got divorced 15 years ago, and hasn’t been interested in meeting anyone else since. Funnily enough, she’s one of the happiest, most self-sufficient and independent women I know.
Just because your partner has met someone else and you haven’t, it doesn’t mean that you’ve been left behind, or that your healing process is invalid, or that there’s anything wrong with you.
When it comes to relationships, everyone’s emotions and wants and needs vary HUGELY. The fact of the matter is, some people don’t cope well when they’re not in a relationship, whereas others thrive in solitude.
Stay in your own lane and have the confidence to trust yourself.
As my ex’s priority is having a baby, I’m pretty certain that he’ll move into a new relationship long before I do… and that’s fine. I don’t want another relationship any time soon. I spent 8 years of my 20s in the wrong relationship - I certainly don’t want to taint my 30s with the similar mistake.
Nope, I’m taking this decade for myself! 💁🏻♀️
While my ex’s focus is most likely to meet someone else and have a baby, mine is to complete my first Ultra-Marathon without dying of blisters in a few weeks’ time. 🤣
I want to run a sub-40-minute 10k before the year is out. I want to build my savings back up and return to my solo travels. I want to see more of the world. I want to write.
Again, I reiterate, there is no right or wrong way to live your life… Just different ways.
The only time you should ever feel as though you’re being left behind is when you stop being true to yourself.
7. Don’t cheat. Ever.
This one should go without saying, really, but it’s actually shocking how many people still do it.
Of course, feelings can change, heads can be turned, and relationships can form quite unexpectedly… But for Christ sake, have the balls to break up with your current partner before you explore these feelings.
IMO, if your head has been turned, or if you’ve become fixated by or ‘attached to’ somebody else, you can’t be that happy, and that’s the first sign that you should perhaps take a closer look at your relationship. Sure, this will result in an awkward, gut-wrenching conversation with your partner, but believe me, being honest is way, WAY better than cheating.
If you cheat on your partner, you’re the lowest of the low. There’s absolutely no need for it.
If you’re ever tempted to cheat, stop and ask yourself if giving into this [often temporary] ‘lust’ is worth destroying your current partner’s confidence and self-worth for. Cheating can take YEARS to get over.
Do you REALLY want to be the reason that someone agonisingly questions every little thing about themselves?
Do you want to be the reason that someone is too afraid to let their guard down and trust another person again?
Putting someone through that just because you were unable to control yourself on a night out, or because you’re flattered that someone at work seems to have taken a shine to you, is not okay.
So, don’t put someone through it. And certainly don’t put someone through it that you claim to love and have respect for.
Oh, and also - if you know someone’s in a relationship… Don’t pursue or lead that person on, especially if you claim to be in a happy relationship yourself. That’s just basic rule number one in how not to be a skank really, isn’t it? 🙂
The maths ain’t mathin’ hun. You can’t be that happy with your own partner if you’re constantly seeking attention from somebody else’s.
Let’s just hope these girls are raising their daughters to have better morals than they have… 👀👍🏻🤣
8. Don’t believe everything you see on social media.
We’re CONSTANTLY hit with this hugely unrealistic ideology of what a ‘perfect’ relationship should look like. Matchy-matchy pyjamas. Cute little playfights in the kitchen. A French Bulldog. ‘Wholesome’ Sundays. A hike followed by a pub lunch. Oh yeah, and literally NO bad stuff in-between. Just pure, sugary, cutesy love AT ALL TIMES.
Sorry, but this is simply make believe. There no such thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship.* I don’t care what TikTok and influencers claim, every relationship has its ups and downs, trails and tribulations, doubts, mental health struggles, arguments…
Here’s an example. As previously mentioned, my ex-partner and I went through a bad patch just before we got married.
I might have looked all smiley and loved-up on my wedding photos and videos, but behind the hair and make-up and picture-perfect venue, I spent all day wondering whether I was doing the right thing.
I received so many messages after my wedding day; people congratulating me, telling me how pleased they were for me, chorusing how happy I looked…
You see, to the outside world, I did look happy, because that’s how I wanted to be portrayed. I was hardly going to start spamming social media with posts about how much I was fretting about my decision, was I?
So now, when I see these Insta-worthy couples invading my social feed, I remember to take it with a pinch of salt. You never really know the ins and outs of people’s situations, and social media content is very good at airbrushing the truth.
(*Side note: A perfect relationship is whatever you and your partner make it. It’s what’s perfect to YOU. True perfection in a relationship is how you recover from the down days, how you treat each other when that Facebook Live isn’t rolling, and how you bring your own unique sunshine to the mundane of everyday life.)
9. Stay true to yourself.
My last point is by far the most important.
NEVER compromise who you are for the sake of somebody else. If you feel the need to mute parts of yourself or forgo your own happiness, then the person you’re with isn’t right for you.
Maintain your hobbies. Make time for your friends and family. Remain on your own path. Stay true to your goals. Remember who YOU are, and what YOU want.
This is a somewhat controversial statement, but it’s one I’ll forever preach: IT’S NOT SELFISH TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
Running, writing and solo travel continually supply me with more joy than I believe any person is capable of. And that’s how I know that I’ll be okay. A person I was fond of may have left my life, but the things that truly make my heart beat can never be taken away from me. ❤️
The End.
My Mum always says that, ‘you never feel closer to someone than you do when your relationship is ending.’
I never really understood this… Until now.
My ex is moving out of our home this afternoon.
The past few months have been some of the most difficult of my life. I’ve been driven to near-insanity with anger, despair, grief, and guilt.
We’ve never argued as much as we have the past couple of months. We’ve never hated each other more.
But this last week, it’s been different. We’ve both been somewhat silenced.
All of the outside influences and opinions, and the he said, she saids, have slowly ebbed away. This week, they’ve been replaced with, ‘Do you remember when…?’ And an outpouring of historic quotes and in-jokes that from today, will probably never be spoken aloud again.
We’ve listened to ‘our songs.’ We’ve watched The Inbetweeners. We’ve had a BBQ. We’ve bought one another each other’s favourite snacks.
For the briefest of moments, we’ve been on the same team again.
It’s as if we’ve been reliving all of the best parts of us, one last time, before they disappear forever…
Cara Jasmine Bradley ©
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