^ Cazza B, aged 17, off to town with a fake ID, a stack of Primark bangles, and a bottle of Fruit Shoot. Teetotal since day one x
Please stop using the word ‘innit’ as a way of agreeing with a statement. Just because it made the 2011 Urban Dictionary, doesn’t mean you have to adopt it as a staple alternative of basic English language.
Cats are not scary, therefore attending a Halloween Party wearing only a plaster-sized leopard print top, a pair of black leather hot-pants, and facial whiskers drawn on with eyeliner is not a feasible option.
You wait five years or so, girl, and believe me, you actually go to a Halloween party dressed as a bag of jelly beans.
(Side note: My 2016 'bag of jelly beans' Halloween costume was genius. I just filled a clear bin bag with different coloured balloons, stuck the Jelly Belly logo over the top, and hung it around my neck. Funnily enough, I didn't pull, but I think everyone was secretly well impressed by my creativity.)
Pink velour Lipsy tracksuits are not classy, end of. And no, it’s not even classy if you buy the real deal from Juicy Couture (WHAT a waste of £200 that was!). Wearing one doesn’t automatically promote you to a WAG, despite what you might think.
Being a WAG is not a wise career move, and telling your sociology teacher that you ‘can’t be arsed with the Theory of Leisure Class’ anymore because you’re ‘gonna marry a footballer anyway’ is even less of a wise move. As a consequence, you will be kicked out of the lesson and you will finish up with an ‘Unclassified’ on your AS Level result card.
I don’t really know how can see the ‘funny side’ in the academic atrocity that is your AS Level results. Is there even a funny side to getting 3 Unclassifieds?! Getting an A in English completely saved your little arse, but you don’t really seem to care, as long as your glittery bronzer is looking ‘stunnin.’
Abercrombie & Fitch is NOT a premium brand, so try to refrain from checking yourself into the store on Facebook while in London. It might also be a good idea not to spend all of your birthday money in there on heavily branded joggers, hoodies and t-shirts – Fred Perry will be the next big thing next year, and I can safely say that in 12 months, you will never wear A&F again (Thank God – that pink hoodie was hideous).
Trading your fake pink Barbie Paul’s Boutique bag in for a diamond studded River Island tote is not an upgrade to be proud of.
You are not in the cast of Mean Girls, and so there is no need to have certain clothes themes for each day of the week. ‘Hot-Pant Thursdays,’ and ‘Sweat Pants Wednesdays’ are not a thing, and they need to be stopped now. Somehow, this has become a college phenomenon, and it’s frighteningly unbelievable that people actually BBM you before college to remind you that it’s Thursday and therefore you should be wearing your size 4 Topshop hot-pants.
Rowdily singing Jason Derulo’s ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ in the face of the bouncers with the lads from college while refusing to leave Cage at 3am wasn’t the best idea you ever had. Pretty sure you’re still on Cage’s black list...
DON’T get mango and lime sauce on your first Nando’s visit. The girls in your travel class will never let you live it down, and you will be put off Nando's for life.
Oh yeah, and calling yourself the ‘Cheeky Travel Huns’ is cute, but really...?
When your Travel & Tourism teacher asks you to wear a cabin crew uniform for an assessment day, don’t refuse point blank due to the skirt being knee-length. Just shut up and put it on for the half an hour without protetsing that you ‘don’t do knee length.’
That silly little stunt nearly got you kicked off the whole course!
The fact you have a designated ‘snurge seat’ in your Travel & Tourism classroom is also slightly worrying. Yes, granted, the seat does allow you a bird’s eye view across both the college car park and the football pitch, but surely you should be getting on with some work instead...? No? Well, okay then...
Is there really any need for Pitbull’s ‘Hey Baby – Drop it to The Floor’ to be your alarm tone, ring tone, and most played ‘tune’ on your iPod?
Walking out of your first part-time waitressing job after just one shift because the ‘heat from the ovens dried your hair out’ was not the best start you could have had to working life, I’ll be honest...!
In fact, that incident was almost as tragic as the time you took 3 days off college in a sulk because your Blackberry had to go in for repair and you had to live with a Samsung in the meantime.
Going to the bookies with ‘the lads’ at lunchtime blasting out Ms Dynamite’s ‘Wile Out’ in the car doesn’t make you cool.
When your mate passes her driving test, don’t put her driving seat right back so that she is practically lay down at the wheel. This isn’t really classed as ‘banter,’ it’s actually more classed as ‘pointless.’
But then again, at least she can actually drive now – you and the girls spent many months prior to her passing her test simply sat in the car on the driveway to her house, listening to Capital FM and eating copious amounts of sweets. Please don’t embarrass yourself any further by posting pictures of you all sat in the car under the caption ‘drives with my girls xox *kissing emjoi*’
You did not go on drives. In fact, she wasn’t even legally allowed to drive it from the garage to the pavement.
And can I just ask why you needed to wear sunglasses in all of the pictures of these so-called night time drives...?
But you know what, despite everything, this is the happiest you have ever been, and since going to college, you have really flourished in confidence. You have a huge, amazing group of friends who all think a lot of you, and you're starting to really like yourself, too.
College is the best time of your life, so appreciate every second, and especially appreciate having your friends around you every single day.
Yes, sometimes it’s beyond cringey to look at the mistakes you’re making, but I know you wouldn’t change any of it, not now, and not ever.
Cara Jasmine Bradley ©